


First, Last, Only

by heartsdesire456



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Heartbreak, M/M, Sad, Up to 1x10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 21:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6301255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec hesitated to press the buzzer at all. His finger hovered under the name MAGNUS BANE for the longest. He knew it was unfair of him to come to Magnus for anything after the clear goodbye he’d gotten from Magnus the last time the spoke, but he was desperate. He curled his finger back and then steeled himself. “For Isabelle,” he told himself. “This is for Isabelle.”</p><p>He pressed the buzzer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First, Last, Only

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo that bet on 'how long will it take me to start writing Malec?' was apparently like not even a whole week, lmao!
> 
> Alas, this fic is sad. It's very sad. I cried a little writing it. 
> 
> Basically I saw someone say "What if Alec didn't want his first kiss to be with Lydia at their wedding so he asked Magnus to kiss him just once" and it stuck in my mind for DAYS and then... SOMEHOW this whole thing happened.

Alec hesitated to press the buzzer at all. His finger hovered under the name MAGNUS BANE for the longest. He knew it was unfair of him to come to Magnus for anything after the clear goodbye he’d gotten from Magnus the last time the spoke, but he was desperate. He curled his finger back and then steeled himself. “For Isabelle,” he told himself. “This is for Isabelle.”

He pressed the buzzer.

He half expected some grand answer, an overdramatic ‘High Warlock’ catch phrase or something. What he didn’t expect, however, was how small Magnus’s voice sounded through the crackly speaker. “Look, Cat, for the last time, I’m okay. Leave me alone to mope.” In spite of his dismissal, the sound of the door unlocking followed his words, and Alec decided to take the chance and go for it.

When he got to the apartment door, he knocked. It was easier to get there after Magnus had relocated the apartment but the door was still just as nondescript as before. So unassuming for the entrance into such a unique domain as Magnus’s home. He knocked carefully and waited until he heard someone coming closer on the other side of the door, and then he took a step back and waited. When the door swung open, it did so with a heave and Magnus was already rolling his eyes, head turned skyward. “Catarina, I am okay-“

“Um, hi,” Alec said carefully and Magnus’s head snapped back and he took in Alec standing there. Alec tried for an apologetic smile but his smile slipped when Magnus went from shock to narrowing his eyes in disbelief.

“What the hell, Alec?” he asked in a harsher tone than Alec had ever been on the receiving end of. “I thought you were guilty before, but are you deliberately trying to hurt me or something? What did I ever do to you-“

“Magnus, I-“

Magnus cut him off, waving a hand with his index finger raised. “There’s nothing you could’ve meant to do by coming here other than to hurt me, Alec.”

Alec waited for a moment to be sure Magnus was finished and he smiled sadly. “You never call me Alec,” he noted and Magnus huffed, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Excuse me for trying to distance myself from you, Shadowhunter,” he said with deliberation that made Alec’s shoulders slump.

“Magnus I know I shouldn’t come here, I just- it’s-“ Alec deflated some, raising desperate eyes to Magnus. “I have nobody left to turn to. I just need-“ He struggled for a word before finding the answer he knew to be so deeply true that it startled him. “I needed to talk to someone I can trust, and I trust you, Magnus.” He shook his head hesitantly. “There’s nobody else I trust more, at the moment, and it’s about Isabelle. I wouldn’t do this to you, I wouldn’t come around and bother you if I didn’t need you.”

Magnus grumbled and pulled a face but stepped back, holding open the door. Alec came in and walked into the room some, waiting for Magnus to shut and lock the door before turning and going to the living room couch. Alec followed him and finally noticed why Magnus looked so unlike himself. He was wearing a big, baggy sweater, fuzzy pajama pants with kittens on them, and there was no makeup on his face. Even his hair looked limp compared to his usual styles.

Alec watched him sit on the couch and pull his legs under him and realized with a startling pang that it was probably his fault Magnus looked so unlike himself. Alec chose to sit across from Magnus on one of the chairs, so as to not bother him even more by sitting close to him. “Well, if it’s about Isabelle, I can only guess she came back, then?” Magnus asked, tugging the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. “What could possibly be wrong I can help you with?”

Alec groaned in frustration. “I need to just- I just need someone to-“ He chuckled dryly. “Mostly I just need someone to listen and tell me what the hell I’m getting wrong.” He leaned back in the chair, long legs stretching out in front of him. He chewed on his lip as Magnus waited patiently for a long time before speaking. “Izzy’s been arrested for high treason.”

Magnus’s eyebrows went up. “What?! What did she do so bad?!” he asked in shock.

Alec huffed. “She and Jace and probably Clary got together some Downworlders to rescue Meliorn while we were talking him to the Silent City.”

Magnus looked at him in disbelief. “And that’s worth of high treason? Don’t they strip you of your marks for that?”

Alec looked at him in surprise. “You know about that?”

“Alexa-“ He cleared his throat. “Alec, I’ve been dealing with Shadowhunters for a very long time. I know more than you probably even do,” he reminded him and Alec nodded, flushing some.

“I don’t know what to do,” Alec said. “I wanted to trade the Cup for her but Jace took the Cup.” He grunted unhappily. “I even let them track Jace through out parabatai bond, but all it did was- was weaken it.” He shuddered, still struggling with the strange sensation of not being able to feel Jace anymore. “There’s nothing to do. We tracked him but he wasn’t there, we don’t know where he or the Cup are, or Clary. And without those things, I can’t help Izzy, and I just-“ He clenched his jaw. “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anymore.” He looked up at Magnus with desperation in his eyes. “Am I wrong? The law is hard, but it is the law… but Izzy is my sister and they- I can’t let them-“ He shook his head, blinking back the stinging in his eyes. “They don’t just strip you of your marks, they banish anybody stripped of their marks and I’ll never be allowed to see her again.”

Magnus watched him and then, slowly, Alec saw Magnus’s icy shell begin to crack. “I’ve never, ever liked that shitty slogan anyways,” Magnus said gently. “‘The Law is Hard, but It Is The Law’ doesn’t allow for right and wrong, it allows for following orders like a good little warrior.”

“But that’s what I am-“

Magnus cut him off before he could even really speak. “You’re a person, Alexander,” he argued with conviction he didn’t have before. “I’ve always had a soft spot for Shadowhunters, I’ve always distanced myself from them for the same reason; When a few of you grow an understanding of _life_ instead of just blind duty, something bad always happens. It always ends up with people being hurt. The Clave put The Law over flesh and blood and it makes me _sick_ ,” he stressed, hands on his chest. “Parents disowning children, family banishing each other, it’s sick and I don’t-“ He exhaled hard, shoulders slumping. “I don’t like it when I screw up and get close to a Shadowhunter or a small group of them every few generations and end up witnessing how Nephilim treat the rare few of you who have decency and compassion for Downworlders.” He looked at Alec with a painful look. “At least I thought so. Before Meliorn-“

Alec shook his head. “I never wanted that to happen, but I had orders! I was doing what I had to. Izzy’s relationship with him made us look bad, and I’m the oldest so I had to save the Lightwood name however I could, but now-“ He scoffed, anger suddenly making a comeback. “It wasn’t Isabelle or Jace that made the Lightwood name look bad. It turns out my parents were in Valentine’s Circle all those years ago.” He gritted his teeth. “They put all this pressure on Izzy and me and Jace for something they did. I mean can you believe that?” he asked Magnus rhetorically. However, when he looked at him, Magnus looked away, not meeting his eyes. Alec changed his phrasing and tilted his head. “ _Can_ you believe it?” 

Magnus sighed. “I knew it already, Alexander,” he said gently. “Most people do who know the comings and goings of Shadowhunters. The only reason you didn’t is because your parents shut you and your siblings up in that Institute here, away from those who might let you in on their shame.”

Alec let out a frustrated sound and tugged at his own hair, elbows on his knees. “God, I’m so lost! I’m in the dark about so much, apparently, and it’s ridiculous! I’m twenty-one years old! My parents had already had me by now and I can’t even save my sister!”

Magnus scoffed, leaning back against the couch. “Oh trust me, your parents at your age were not half the person you are if you combined both of them.”

Alec gave him a surprised look. “You knew my parents when they were my age?” he asked, and Magnus waved a hand.

“I didn’t _know_ them, but I had a run-in with the Circle.” He grumbled under his breath. “I may have referred to you as a ‘repellant brat’ since your mother expected to be absolved of her and your father’s crimes against the Downworld because of their child they were supposedly protecting.” Alec watched the disgusted look cross his face. “Because a Shadowhunter child matters more than a Downworlder child.” He shook his head and looked back at Alec. “Alexander,” he said sincerely. “Don’t ever compare yourself to your parents as a reference of positive anything,” he asked of him. “I don’t doubt that they’re still blind followers now like they were then, only now they’re bigger cowards.”

Alec wanted to be upset by Magnus speaking about his parents that way, but as much as he tried to bristle at his words, he just couldn’t find it in him to care. In fact, he felt the sad pang of agreement deep down. He swallowed hard. “That’s why I’m trying to become the leader of the Institute. You’re right,” he admitted. “It’s wrong of them to want to torture Meliorn. It’s wrong of them to punish Izzy for doing something so inconsequential as dating a Seelie when my parents helped Valentine try to kill innocent Downworlders. It’s all so wrong, but that’s why I have to get the Institute for myself.” He hesitated and sighed. “God, how do I expect to run an Institute when I can’t even save my sister from something insane?” he asked Magnus, chuckling weakly. “Thank God I’m not like my parents. If I can’t even trust myself with this, it’s good I won’t ever have kids to treat like my parents have treated me and Izzy.”

Magnus’s eyes showed a hint of pain before he sniffed, closing off his face as he looked over towards the window. “Oh if I know anything about you Nephilim, give it not even two years before you and your soon-to-be-wife have at least one child, if not one and another on the way already,” he said, bitterness obvious in his tone. 

Alec’s eyes widened suddenly, cold panic sweeping over him. “I- Lydia and I are only marrying for political reasons. I’m sure she doesn’t think- she can’t expect…” he trailed off, doubt filling him and shaking everything he’d built up his upcoming marriage to be. “Can she?” he practically squeaked.

Magnus huffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re getting _married_ , you stupid Nephilim,” he pointed out not exactly kindly. “What, you think just because she doesn’t love you that she won’t expect everything a marriage entails? Even if she doesn’t expect regular sex from her love-less marriage, at least she’ll expect it a few times to have some little Shadowhunters to train up to be perfect, pedigreed soldiers just like the rest of you are,” he added with a voice dripping with acid. 

Alec hadn’t even thought about that. He had never assumed- well he sure as hell didn’t assume Lydia might want… “Fuck!” Alec cursed, sliding further down in the chair. He put his hands over his face as he cursed over and over. “God I hate this.” He let out a sarcastic laugh, dropping his arms to either side of the chair as he sprawled out, looking at the ceiling more than at Magnus. “It’s a curse. Of course it is. The Angel picked me to carry on the Lightwood Curse. That’s the only answer. How else can it be explained that I _finally_ start to come to terms with myself and accept that I’m gay, and _this_ happens,” he said, waving a hand lazily. “This is great. Rather than dying a virgin, I’m going to die having had to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to have sex with a woman when I have never in my entire life found anything remotely arousing about that prospect. All those years I wished I could at least try sleeping with a girl to fix myself, and of course, this.” He gestured to the general world around him.

He swallowed hard, looking up at the ceiling as he fought the way his eyes stung. “I don’t want any of this,” he said in a tight, strained voice. “I just- I just want Izzy off the hook and I want Jace to come back and I want- I want everything to be normal again.”

“That’s what hurts the most.” Alec looked over at Magnus in surprise and Magnus shook his head, looking at Alec with the most accusing look Alec had ever seen from him. “I was _fine_ before you waltzed into my club with your narcissistic friend and you all got into this crap with Clary’s life and dragged me into it.” He shook his head, eyes locked with Alec’s as if he wanted him to see every ounce of the vulnerability Magnus was revealing to him. “Mostly, though, it’s _you_ ,” he stressed. He visibly swallowed hard and Alec was pained to see Magnus’s eyes growing shinier. “I do this- this stupid thing. I’ve always done it. I get attached way too fast and I almost always get hurt, and I can’t shut it off.” He sniffled. “I thought I had managed! I’ve gone decades without ever getting attached but you just- you look at me,” he said weakly. “You looked at me and you smiled and I just had to know you. I wanted to know you, and I was so careful,” he all but whispered. “I realized you weren’t comfortable with yourself and I decided to just be patient, and to just talk to you and get to know you, and you turned out to be every bit as worthy of my attachment as anybody ever has been.” His breath hitched and Alec’s heart clenched painfully when a tear streaked Magnus’s face and he wiped his away quickly. “I thought- I thought maybe for _once_ I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Alec shook his head quickly. “Magnus, I never wanted to hurt you, I swear-“

Magnus laughed wetly, more tears escaping. “Just because you don’t mean to hurt me doesn’t mean I can’t get hurt, Alec.” He wiped at his face angrily. “And I wouldn’t be so upset if you loved her! God,” he groaned, shaking his head. “I care about you, I want you to be happy, and if you loved her I’d be able to gracefully bow out. Fuck, if you just _liked_ her it wouldn’t hurt so much! It would sting, yeah, because I get attached too fast, but I’d understand, and I’d just be happy that someone gets to be happy even if it’s not me, but you don’t!” he accused, voice squeaking some. “You’re gay and you still picked her over me.”

“It’s what I have to do,” Alec said hollowly, and Magnus shook his head, breath hitching.

“You Shadowhunters care more about reputation than happiness, and you wonder why Jace and Isabelle went against you?” he asked weakly. He shook his head. “Your choices are your own and I would never ask you to change your mind about the wedding.” He smiled sadly as his voice grew more steady but a tear streaked his cheek that he didn’t bother wiping away. “I hope you have a wonderful life with her, even if it’s not love, because you’re a good man, Alexander,” Magnus said evenly. “I hope you stop Valentine, because he’s bad news for everybody, and I have faith in you to do that. I hope Clarissa is able to save her mother and join you and fight for you when you lead them, because I’ve watched that child grow up and it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being a parent,” he whispered, voice tightening. He shook his head some. “But I can’t help your Institute anymore. I can’t- I can’t come there and see you and your wife running the Institute when I actually thought for a short time – for a few glorious days – that for once, the person I was falling for wouldn’t break my heart,” he finished in a squeak. “Seeing you miserable when I almost got the chance to be the one to make you happy would ruin me, Alexander.” He smiled tightly. “I can’t be your friend. I need- I need to try and get over you. I can’t help Izzy or Jace or even Clary, because you’re always involved in them, even if you aren’t right now.”

Alec nodded sadly, his own eyes stinging a bit at how painfully obvious it was that he had hurt Magnus more than he ever, _ever_ wanted to see him hurt. “I should go,” he whispered, and Magnus stood when he did, walking him to the door. When Alec got there, he let Magnus open the door and let him out and then turned back to look at him. “Can I ask you one last favor?” he asked bravely. “I know I have no right to ask but I just-“

“What is it, Alexander?” Magnus asked patiently.

Alec knew even before he spoke that he was a bastard for doing it, but he was selfish, and he figured if ever there was a time to admit it, it was now. “I’ve- I don’t doubt you’ve noticed that I’m- I’m not a dater. So I’ve never… well sex isn’t the only thing I haven’t-“ He swallowed around his shame and glanced up to meet Magnus’s eyes. “I don’t want my first kiss to be at my wedding to a woman I could never love.”

Magnus gave him the most _heartbreaking_ look and nodded slowly. There was no smile on his face or in his eyes as he reached up to cup Alec’s cheek in his hand. “My beautiful Alexander,” he whispered before lifting up onto his tip toes and leaning in. Magnus hesitated just long enough to give Alec time to change his mind, but when he didn’t, Magnus kissed him.

The kiss was gentle, just the brush of lips in a small, intimate kiss that lingered for a moment before Alec realized Magnus was waiting and he pressed into it. He wasn’t sure where to put his hands as he pressed closer, but he let them naturally rest on Magnus’s sides just as Magnus slid both hands around to the back of Alec’s neck and kissed him more firmly. It wasn’t like fireworks, it wasn’t like electricity, it wasn’t like any of the euphemisms Alec had ever heard. 

It was just Magnus. Sweet lips, soft fingertips, something warm and comfortable that he felt like he could lose himself in. Magnus’s kiss was like coming home in the most soul-crushing way ever, and Alec never wanted that moment to end, because he knew that he would never know love like he could’ve one day had with Magnus if only life had been different. He knew deep down that if he lived to be a hundred, Magnus’s lips on his would almost certainly be the highest point of his entire life, because for the first time in his life, he felt _free_.

Magnus had just coaxed him into opening his mouth when Alec moaned into the kiss at the first touch of Magnus’s tongue, and Magnus wrenched away with a pained sound, falling back against the open door, slapping a hand over his mouth. “Magnus-“

Magnus shook his head and when he looked up, Alec saw them swimming with tears. “Please,” he choked out. “Please. Please just-“ He let out a weak sob. “Please just go and stop hurting me,” he begged and Alec’s heart skipped a beat at the pain in Magnus’s eyes. 

Alec nodded slowly, a tear slipping from his own lashes. “I- I’m sorry.”

Magnus sniffled pitifully. “Don’t be sorry.” He shook his head. “Just be you, always. You have a heart that is unparalleled, and I trust you to be true to yourself.” He smiled a broken smile and nodded expectantly. “Be the man I know you are. Be-“ He swallowed hard and smiled. “Be my Alexander.”

“I promise,” he said with conviction, and with one last nod to Magnus, Alec forced himself to turn away and leave down the stairs. 

He didn’t look back, because he knew that one glance back, and Magnus would be hurt even worse.

**Author's Note:**

> DONT HATE ME TOO MUCH REMEMBER CANON WILL EVENTUALLY FIX THIS!!!
> 
> (wow, isn't that a WEIRD phrase to read related to fic?!)


End file.
